Focus On The "Yes" Instead Of The "No"
My kids have their own style, especially my soon-to-be teenager Carter. He has worn shorts every day since 2018, doesn’t own a pair of pants and loves plain crewneck t-shirts.
So when we get invited for a family photo shoot for a wedding or other occasion, I often hear "Can you dress your kids better?"
My typical response has been "no" because we let our kids make these decisions and choose their own sense of style.
Sure, I will at least encourage them to pick something not stained or ripped but I won’t force them to dress a certain way to please people.
Recently, I received a frustrated text response from a family member saying that this is just an example where I don't care about other people and only think about myself . . . because I wasn't willing to make the kids "dress up" for a photo shoot.
Carter happened to see the text and told me: "Mom, you do care about other people – you care about me and what I want".
Remember, when you say "no" to something it’s so that you can say "yes" to something else that is more important to you.
Whether it’s saying yes to your boundaries, your important work . . . or your family values.
And, as you become better with your boundaries and learning to say no, there will likely be frustration from other people.
Because you’re having an effect on what’s important to THEM. So don't be surprised.
You see this challenge in your work especially.
You might believe that you have to say "yes" to all the demands and expectations at work to keep everyone happy and perform at a high level.
Even if it means sacrificing your personal time or left feeling overwhelmed and spread thin.
You don’t want to let anyone down, worry about being seen as selfish or not being a team player if you make your own time a priority, or you might not want to deal with conflict.
So you avoid saying "no".
But as hard as it can be to say "no" to something or someone, failing to do so can cause you to over-commit, be out of alignment with your values or miss out on something far more important.
Besides, you are already saying "no" all the time . . .
When you say "yes" to responding to an email in the evening, you are saying "no" to your personal time to recharge.
I am going to put a twist on it and encourage you to ask yourself: "If I say "no" to this, what am I saying "yes" to?
Instead of feeling bad it's a "no", focus on what you are saying "YES" to instead!
Start to recognize the trade-off and be more intentional on what you choose . . . and then have the courage to follow through.
Even if someone might not like it ;-).
Need a little encouragement on how to say "no" more gracefully? Check out this free resource - it's an oldie, but a goodie.
What Next?
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Stacey L. Olson is a Certified Positive Psychology Coach and has 15 years of corporate experience. She works with leaders and professionals who want to create more balance, stress less, AND still perform at a high level. Stacey is the founder of the 'The Balanced Leader' coaching program and offers executive and leadership coaching, workshops, and speaking.
